vaginapagina | boyfriend with mental health issues

boyfriend with mental health issues

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, prior to that he had been one of my best friends since we were 14 (we are 23 now). He always had odd mood swings, one min he would be fine and the next he would be angry, sullen and would isolate himself. During our friendship we went almost an entire year because I couldn’t deal with his isolating behavior. At the end of that year he came to me said he couldn’t live without me and we have been together ever since. The first year and a half of our relationship was bliss. We made plans for our future, we talked about moving in together, we hardly ever fought (not because we didn’t have disagreements, but we were able to voice our disagreements and always come to some sort of mutual understanding), we were planning on getting engaged next year, and we always had excellent communication. In the past six months more and more he has been exhibiting some of that same isolating behavior. Now when we have a disagreement he refuses to talk about it and will storm off and I wont hear from him anywhere from 2 days to a week. Or for no reason at all he will just distance himself from everyone, and be moody and snap at little things. I gave him an out, I asked him if he just felt over our relationship, and if so that it was okay and we would just go our separate ways. He was horrified that I could ever think that and he claims he loves me more than anything.

But it’s not always like this. Sometimes when we talk we are on the exact same page. I know he is suffering from some form of depression; he has all the classic signs. It comes in waves too, one minute I’m fine, he’s fine, we’re fine, and then something will set him off and it’s like his whole world comes crashing down. I have tried talking to him about this, several times at different intervals, when we are fighting, when we are calm, he refuses to recognize that he has had any change in his behavior. He claims he has “always been like this” and that I’m too “oversensitive”. But it’s not just me, his two best friends also see a drastic change in his personality over the past 6 months. He needs to go see a mental health professional and try therapy, medication or a combination of the two.

I have tried so many approaches (I’m a social worker so my reaction to everything is to analyze and talk it to death), I have tired the “you’re going to lose me if you don’t get help”, I have tried “you will be so much happier when you get help”, and I have even tried to stage an intervention. Short of drugging him and dropping off in a psyc ward I don’t know what is left for me to do.

It’s like I’m dating Jackal and Hyde, I don’t know who I’m going to get today. This is draining on me, physically and emotionally. I refuse to believe that the man I feel in love with and planed my future with is gone. I just don’t know when to throw my hands up and say okay fine I quit. I love him, and if I think about my future and he’s not in there, it breaks my heart. Depression is a serious mental health disease, and I don’t want to abandon him when I know he needs me right now, but I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Any thoughts would help.

Thank you

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As you're a social worker you'll know just as well as any health professional that he needs to want to get the help before he'll concede to it. The painful thing is, no matter how much we love people, we cannot do the changing for them; the old adage that we can only change ourselves is right. Ultimately (and I'm sorry if this sounds blunt), if you feel you have offered him as many opportunities as you can, then your decision really needs to be based on what it is that you want and need.

I do feel for you, though. This isn't easy.

"jeckyl" and hyde. though "jackal" is also accurate, in its way....

i think you might need to drop an ultimatum. get help or i'm gone. tell him you will be there for him no matter what, but you can't be in a relationship with him until he gets some help. do not sacrifice yourself trying to help someone who won't help himself.

Jekyll and Hyde, actually, my dear. :)

i knew mine didn't look quite right.

i fail. you are, as they say, da man.

I want to preface this comment with a caveat: While I do have a BS in psychology, I don't believe this makes me qualified to diagnose anything over the internet (or even IRL). The following advice comes from my own experience.

You say that he needs you right now, but he's obviously not listening to your (good and educated!) advice. However, unless the person WANTS to get help and to be helped, there isn't much that can be done. Unless you get him to a counselor who deems him unsafe to himself or society, he probably will not be admitted into a psych ward.

Sometimes the harshest thing you can do is what will snap them into realizing that they need help. You keep saying he'll lose you if this doesn't stop, but it hasn't stopped, and you're still there. Empty threats are not going to do anything in this case. I'm not saying you should totally stop being there for him, but realize that you have your own life and this is affecting it. If I were you, I would tell him "I still love you, but I cannot live like this until you get help" and pack up and stay with someone else for awhile, if you live together. Do not enable this behavior. Don't let the idea that he needs you let him ruin your life or keep you miserable as well. Sometimes a metaphorical smack in the face is the best thing for the person to realize what their behavior is doing. I have been to counseling, and counselors are not there to be nice and fluffy. They are there to help you realize what is wrong with you, and often this is incredibly uncomfortable. In the long run it can make you feel better, but facing your depression and your fears is not a comfortable process.

I have severe depression and anxiety, and have lost a boyfriend over it, and nearly lost my current one over it. The current boyfriend actually walked out at one point, saying he could no longer deal with it because I had to take responsibility for my life. Realizing that I could lose the best thing that has ever happened to me is what motivated me to be more consistent with my medication. I have family members with mental health issues as well (borderline personality disorder, OCD, depression) and have been an enabler before. It will wear you down and make your life harder.

Want to add: While some of the behavior of my family and partner seems harsh, they were there when I needed them, they just didn't coddle me. On the days when I truly couldn't motivate myself to even get out of bed, they would physically help me down the stairs. My sister would cook my favorite foods for me and made sure I ate even a little bit.

At the same time, when my family and friends were helping me in this way, they didn't stop living their lives. They went to work, went out with friends, etc. Their lives DIDN'T revolve around helping me, they just made it part of their routine. This allowed me to recover from my darkest times at my own pace and mostly on my own, so I learned how to be independent again.

thank you- this helped.

No problem. I've been on both sides of this issue before, so if you'd like to talk you can always contact me at poison dot star at gmail dot com.

tee-hee ... fluffy counselors... that made me laugh :)

Haha, I guess I could have worded it better, but I think I got my point across. ;)

I want to be a full blown licensed psychologist someday, and remember fretting when I was going through a bad time. I said something about how "How can I make people feel better if I can't even function normally myself?" My BIL put it into perspective for me by saying "It won't be your job to make them feel better. It will be your job to tell them how to shape up and make THEMSELVES feel better."

Everything that this said. Great comment.

what about recruiting his friends and/or family? I know you said you staged an intervention, but I also know you can't do this alone.

I know you're what I call a fix-it, but some things you just can't fix. At some point you're going to be really sick of it all and build up resentment toward him. It's human nature to do so. To be even more blunt about it, this is your life and your relationship, not a case you're working on...

I'm so sorry if I came off all evil, but I've been there and I was just like you (according to the post) but I hit a point where I actually didn't feel anything anymore except resentment because I let him make me numb. I just couldn't even make myself react to his every up and down anymore, and thats a really sad way to end the relationship.

You told him you would leave if he didn't get help. He didn't get help. Why are you still with him? Don't give an ultimatum unless you're willing to make good on it.

As for what you should do now, you need to accept that you cannot control his behavior. He is in control of his choices. So stop trying to convince him to get into therapy. Instead, figure out what you need from him in order to be happy with your relationship. More communication? Communication of a different sort? More respect? What are the behaviors that make it hard for you to be with him? Then tell him about that. Use lots of I-statements, which I assume as a social worker you're familiar with. "I feel hurt when you don't talk to me for several days," "I need more affection from you," "I feel angry and sad when you speak harshly to me," etc. Ask him to stop doing those things. And let him choose how he tries to alter his behavior. Or if he tries to alter his behavior at all.

Ultimately, you have to decide where your breaking point is. How long are you willing to stay in a relationship that isn't making you happy?

Edited 2008-09-22 21:06 (UTC)

its funny, i lecture people all the time on the use of "I" statements. about how they are necessary and useful when you are trying to communicate something that you feel. i guess i need to start putting them to use in my own life.
As a soical worker i do mental health counseling all the time- specifically for drug and alcohol related issues, its so much harder when its your own life and not someone elses.

You know that if you give him an ultimatum and you don't act on it, he will get even worse, because any other conversation with regards to that, he will know that you love him, and you won't leave.

He has to want to get help. You can say whatever you want to say to him, and unless he wants to get the help that you feel he needs, then everything you say will fall on deaf ears.

Try this. Ask him if he had cancer, if he would take the medication that his body needs to get better, or if he would pretend that the disease is not there and slowly allow his body to deteriorate. Depression is the same as cancer in that way, and it will get worse unless he gets help.

Also because you're a social worker you are more likely to attract people who need emotional support. You need to create boundaries in your personal life so that you don't become your boyfriend's social worker rather than girlfriend.

Good luck.

"Try this. Ask him if he had cancer, if he would take the medication that his body needs to get better, or if he would pretend that the disease is not there and slowly allow his body to deteriorate. Depression is the same as cancer in that way, and it will get worse unless he gets help."

this has always been how've i've explained to people why i was on prozac when i was depressed. i shouldn't have had to explain myself, but some people who've been there just don't understand.

You cannot treat him yourself (something I believe you already know). Only he can choose to seek appropriate treatment, which at this point sounds like something he's not willing to do. Have you given him any sort of ultimatum, like "if you don't get treatment, I can't be with you"? It sounds really harsh, but at the same time, you need to do what's best for you as well, and this isn't it. There are some things you should compromise on in relationships, but (again) this isn't it.

Get his friends to back you up, with the ultimatum. Try to deliver when no one is angry/stressed, as you already know. And lots of luck.

Ditto many previous comment-ers, but I wanted to emphasize from my own previous experience checking in with yourself about what you need in order to make the relationship worth being in -- which may come out to be that you do still want to be with him even though his behavior is really difficult to handle, or could come out to be that you need to take a break for your own well-being, or whatever. I'm sure you've heard this before, but it's easy to forget: you can't change him, all you can do is articulate your needs and boundaries to him and to yourself and make decisions based on what you know about your own well-being.

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