Through a rapist's eyes

[quietexpression.livejournal.com]

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who's clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

The time of day men are most likely to attack and rape a woman is in the early morning, between 5 and 8:30 a.m.

The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.

The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.

These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk, I can't believe it is so cold out here, we're in for a bad winter. Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up, you lose appeal as a target.

If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts.

After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there.

When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

Comments

[hissyfit.livejournal.com]

something happened in your html. the page is all wonky. could you edit that?

[ninaf.livejournal.com]

yeah very messed up... my whole friends page is messed up.

[quietexpression.livejournal.com]

Sorry about that .. it's fixed.

[benniferus.livejournal.com]

that's great advice. I worked overnights at a hotel, and I was the only hotel employee there from 10pm to 7am everynight. If I got the slightest bit of a wierd feeling, I called the cops. my boss hated it, but the cops didn't.

Two times the person was someone they were already looking for, and two other times it was someone they were glad to have found. I never had any real charges to press because I never let it get that far, but none of them ever came back to bother me, and I never had to get hurt.

[happyapathy.livejournal.com]

I had no idea that rape could only get a guy 3-5 years. Ick!

[marnanel.livejournal.com]

Do you have sources for this?

http://www.snopes.com/inboxer/outrage/rape.htm discusses this and claims there are several factual errors (such as that most rapes happen at night, not in the early morning, and that the proportion with a weapon is more like 30% than 5%).

[tonapah.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I believe that this is an internet forward that has been making the rounds and that is only partially true. At least, I've seen it on multiple forums---and I've seen it debunked (the snopes.com page you link to).

[adjectivegail]

i've also seen it being debunked in a bunch of places....

[linzbinz.livejournal.com]

Still, I think it's got a lot of really usefull information... So whether it's just a forwarded email, or something totally true, I think that it could definitly help one of us out sometime.

[magickalmoon.livejournal.com]

Thankyou..

[haggis.livejournal.com]

Interesting advice. But the first bit about hairstyles bugged me. The idea of always wearing my hair in a certain way to keep safe feels like a first step to letting fear of being raped take over my life.

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

Precisely. (And I do think this post is one of those internet things that got passed around because I remember seeing it YEARS ago.)

As a certified rape crisis counselor, I can say that the best thing for you to do to feel safe is whatever makes you feel safe. Every attacker, every victim, every situation is unique.

I have a problem with people saying that "if you just do these things, you won't be raped." Because it's bullshit. There's no foolproof way to prevent an attack and spending all your life trying to conform to that idea will just cause a person to live in complete terror 24/7. Not only is that terribly disempowering but it also certainly decreases one's general quality of life.

During my crisis counselor training, we learned that most women are attacked in their own homes. While random attacks by strangers do occur, they're still an anomaly when compared with those victims who are attacked in their own space by someone they know. I still have my training manual so if anyone is interested in that information, I can pass it on. Of course, we know that most statistics about sexual assault are difficult to pin down because of a number of factors -- something I'd also be willing to talk about if anyone is interested.

I am leary of allowing people to post stuff like this in the VagPag because I think there's a more appropriate place for it (i.e., other communities). This post is also problematic and likely makes most women who read it feel frightened/nervous/anxious, as evidenced by some of the comments. I don't like that for two reasons -- (1) this community is supposed to be a Safe Space and something that makes women feel frightened/nervous/anxious is probably not good for the promotion of Safe Space; and (2) much of the information in the post is unfounded our downright false.

I think we have an obligation to ourselves and each other to be responsible about the information we share with others, on the internet or otherwise, but especially here, in vaginapagina and especially when it concerns sexual assault.

P.S.

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

The "Precisely" part of my post was directed to haggis.

[firinel.livejournal.com]

I wish I had known that (what you mentioned about most rapes happening in the home by someone they knew) nine years ago. I was raped when I was 14, in my own bed, by my nextdoor neighbour who shared the same roof as our house (it was half a double) and climbed through my window.

I tried to tell very few people because I feared no one would believe me because it was in my house, in my bed, I'd been mostly undressed at the time, and I knew the person, a 'boy' only 6 years older then me, and that they'd think it was my fault, or my own doing.

I would have been very relieved to know I wasn't a freak, or 'asking for it'-- both things, concerning sexual assault, that are scary things to consider at 14.

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

You are/were not a freak. You are/were not to blame. It is/was not your own doing. You were not asking for it. You were a child and you were taken advantage of. It was wrong. And you have done something amazing by surviving the ordeal and becoming the strong, intelligent amazing woman that you are! Your contributions to the VagPag are invaluable, you know.

I'm so sorry this happened to you and I'm sorry it's so common. If you ever want to talk about it, feel free to send me an email or find me online sometime (my contact info is on my profile page).

I'm glad you exist and that you're such a survivor!

[lizzvoltage.livejournal.com]

With tears in my eyes, I second rockstarbob's respectful applause.

[thatdirtyblonde.livejournal.com]

i'm so sorry sweetie. nobody should ever have to deal with something like this, but, like rockstarbob, i'm glad to see you've been so strong through it and have become a powerhouse of VP info. i know i can always count on you to have some input for every question on here, and i always look forward to reading your posts. i don't know what else to say about it, except that i feel very fortunate to have you here with us.

all my love,
amiee

Agreed.

[tonapah.livejournal.com]

I have a problem with people saying that "if you just do these things, you won't be raped."

I have a problem with this, too---mostly because it has a distinct "blame the victim" feeling to it. Which was my problem when I originally saw this list (not here, but as a forward). I don't like when people perpetuate the idea that women get raped because they have done something wrong. If I want to wear my hair long or wear tight clothes, for instance, I am not asking to be raped (the list talks about clothes and hairstyles, among other things). And that's what this list made me feel like.

I'm sure lists like this make some women feel better in that such advice offers them a measure of control (i.e. if I don't do X, I won't get raped), but they make me feel the opposite. They make me feel like if I do get raped, it's *because* of me or something I've done. I don't agree with that stance. Yes, there are certain things which we can all agree it's common sense not to do (let strangers into our home, walk alone on lonely paths at night, etc.), but that still doesn't mean that I'm asking for or deserving of being raped or that the rape is my fault. I think rape is the fault of the attacker only and should be viewed as such. These lists seem to be saying something different.

*I don't want this to seem like an attack on the poster who originally posted the list. It seems as though she was genuinely trying to be helpful. I'm instead complaining about the existence of lists like this one.

Re: Agreed.

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

Right on!

If I'd had more time, I would have said just that. Thanks for being so thoughtful, clever and perceptive!

[popejoan.livejournal.com]

On a related note, I saw something interesting on TV that made a lot of sense to me. If you are grabbed from behind and the attacker wraps their arm around your neck, turn your head to the side. This protects your windpipe and makes it more difficult for you to be asphyxiated. Of course, this is not fool proof, nothing is, but I had never thought about how effective it might be to simply turn your head to get the pressure off your windpipe.

When I went through a self defense class, they emphasized going for the eyes. Very painful. It's part of the "stun and run" technigue, do something uber painful to your attacker and run during that second they are recovering.

I don't think that following any set of rules will keep you 100% safe. But I do believe that if you are aware and alert and you have some back up plans of what to do if you are attacked, it can't hurt and it may help you. Knowing in your mind "well, I could try to do this" can take some of the panic out of the situation and free you up to take action.

[rockstarbob.livejournal.com]

In terms of self defense philosophies and safety, I happen to be the Volunteer Coordinator for a local Seattle-based organization called Home Alive (http://www.homealive.org). Some striking techniques can be found here (http://www.homealive.org/defense.htm).

ponderings...

[khrystene.livejournal.com]

I think awareness is the most important part of survival. Because, unfortunately, it could happen to any of us, and although we are NEVER to blame, being aware of the things you can do to help yourself in a situation is very important. It reminds me of the chapter on 'Rape' in Muscio's "Cunt".

As an aside on "Cunt", I want to get my hands on about 50 copies of that book and give it to friends, do you think there is a way I can do so. Here in Australia, it sells for $40AU! Which is very expensive...

Anyway, you have to learn how to look after yourself, because there is no 'knight' and even if there is, he could be the one you need to defend yourself against.

Sorry if I sound pessimistic, but I can only be the realist. The world is a tough place for us women.

[thatdirtyblonde.livejournal.com]

something else you can do if someone grabs you from behind is to just snap your head backwards into their face. it doesn't take much pressure from your head to break the attacker's nose, and it will hurt them much worse than it will hurt the back of your head.

:)