vaginapagina | lookin for some support/advice

lookin for some support/advice

hey guys. ive got genital hsv-1 and have posted in the past about my issue with it, being upset about it, getting used to the idea of having it..etc. ive read some other posts about it but something is still bugging me and i wanted to post here to see if anyone of you could offer your opinion and/or advice about the new situation ive gotten myself into..

EDIT: fixed the cut! sorry! should be there now.

so the fact that i have genital hsv-1 hasnt really been a big issue in my life lately as i havent even come close to dating anyone in a long time. ive had a few hookups but the only thing that occured was we would make out and touch eachother. i know touching is a low risk activity and i would never let anyone touch me if i had an outbreak, but i havent even had one since my initial one over two years ago..i think about it all the time though. the mental part is way worse than the physical symptoms ever were.

but here is my issue im having now. ive met this great guy and weve been hanging out and talking and getting along really well. i havent felt this way about a guy in so long. hes older than me (im 22, hes 33) and so much different from the immature boys that have been in my life in the past. im really falling for him, but he just got out of a shitty relationship where the girl was real crazy and cheated on him and there was all this lying and whatnot..so hes taking it really slow and just wants to hang out and have someone to be physical with at times. the thing is..there have been one or two times where (being out, being drunk) i got a bit dramatic over silly things like him wanting to go home to his place instead of stay at mine. i feel bad enough as it is for putting him through that..so im trying to be less jealous..but on top of that...

hes talking about wanting to have sex with me. and i want to have sex with him. the thing is, im a virgin. so number one, im not sure if i should be rushing into sex for the first time..although i do feel comfortable with him and want to pretty badly..i trust him and he is more mature and wouldnt be weird about it afterward..to be honest im sick of being a virgin and wanna get it over with! even if i dont date him i think that id be fine with having lost it to him..hes a really great guy..very sweet and understanding.

BUT..obviously..my number two concern is my genital hsv-1. im very knowledgable about transmission and everything...that in my case i shed only about 3% of days in the year..im not on valtrex or anything because i havent needed it but if i were to get a prescrip. for it that would reduce the shedding to an even smaller percent. PLUS with the use of a condom..the chance he would catch it from me is very slim. basically it would be 99% that he would never catch it from me.

so i guess my question is...should i be telling him this early? we are still very casual..i wouldnt consider us to be dating. weve just recently started getting a bit physical. we make out, i touch him, and he touched me for the first time for a bit the other day. now i know there is this low risk transmission of genital--hand--his genitals which he may have touched briefly but i didnt see so couldnt be sure..and i would not let him go down on me..he would be more likely to get hsv-1 on his mouth that way..more of a risk than with having protected sex with me. but should i be getting into all of this if we are still being so casual? i want to have sex with him...but we are still getting to know eachother...and although he is mature and stuff i know he gets nervous about STIs and things..

im terrified to tell him for fear of rejection. or..i could just wait.and not tell him...and not have sex with him...get closer to him emotionally first...and then when i feel closer..tell him. i WANT to tell him now..i WANT to have sex with him now...but i dont know if my emotions could handle being rejected so soon into the beginning of this budding partnership...im just really lost and upset. any words you guys have would help.

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sorry hun, looks like your cut didn't do anything.

This is just my opinion on the matter so take it for what it's worth. I have a lot of rhetorical questions for you to think through as only you can answer.

If you're touching each other genitally, you really should be having the sexual history/STI talk. When was the last time he got tested and what were the results? Has he fooled around with the ex or anyone else since then? Considering his ex cheated on him, he could be at a higher risk for STI's as he doesn't know who his ex has been with or what sort of protection (if any) she used. While you know you have HSV-1, what have you done to protect yourself from things he might not know?

Secondly, it was hard to tell from your post, but are you looking for a relationship from this man? If you are, I would hold off on sleeping with him. FWB works only if both parties can keep their feelings in check, and it sounds like you're struggling to do so. Also, I think it would be a good exercise to look at why you were being over-dramatic when he wanted to stay at his place instead of yours. You two aren't in a relationship yet and are very casual. Will you feel more jealous if he's fooling around with you but wants a relationship with someone else?

What's the worst that could happen with rejection? He isn't interested in you romantically, he doesn't want to have sex anymore, he doesn't want to be your friend? If he's going to pull away because you have an STI, he is within his rights, and there are other people who will listen to your research and information and will be willing to take that risk with you. I take the approach I'd rather find out, know for sure and deal with the aftermath sooner rather than later instead of dancing around the subject and obsessing about the "what if"s.

Good luck in your decision.

These are exactly all the things that came to my mind as well.

Also, I really agree that it's better to tell him sooner rather than later instead of waiting, getting more emotionally attached and then have him react negatively. By telling him sooner it may avoid some possible heartache.

"Secondly, it was hard to tell from your post, but are you looking for a relationship from this man? If you are, I would hold off on sleeping with him."

Why? That's not even the kind of advice the OP asked for.

I think the person commenting this didn't mean to say it as in 'don't have sex with guys you want to be in a relationship with' but more of this particular guy who the OP seems to want a relationship with and he seems less than interested in that and more interested in just sex. Or a Friends with benefit sort of person.

Agreed all around. I think we have a right to manage our own STI risk, which means we also have a responsibility to give our partners the information they need to manage their own STI risk. Personally, I've always drawn the line at fluid-exchangey type things like oral, anal, and PIV, even if latex is used.

I clicked on the cut but there is nothing more to read :(

RUN GIRL, RUN.

Do you really think this will help the OP? The advice "If you can't say anything worthwhile, don't say anything at all" is almost always worth remembering. That's especially true if the recipient is someone hurting and scared.

If he's getting out of a relationship where his ex was lying, or where there were headgames, I think that the only "good" thing to do is full disclosure: just the plain facts, and try not to get dramatic. You have cold sores, just not orally. It's a minor-but-present risk, especially if he doesn't know his own cold-sore status.

If you don't mention it and you get to more than just a one-night-stand, I strongly suspect the secret would poison your relationship. So if you are hoping that this will be a longer-term relationship, tell him as soon as possible, and in a situation where sex is clearly Not Expected Soon (like when you're out to eat, or out walking or something). Give him time to process the data.

It is a risk of being rejected, if he's Not The Guy For You... But you'll probably feel more and more upset about that thought if the relationship gets better and better.

It's kind of a No Easy Path situation, I fear. Good luck!

Ding ding, we have a winner!
Like Beth here says, bring it out at a neutral time. State it matter of factly, and see how he takes it. That's all you can do. I wish you the best of luck, and you know where to come if you need to be pointed toward even more facts and figures, yeah? I know disclosing certain things can be hard, but often just getting them out, whatever that entails, is ultimately less painful than hiding in plain sight. Hugs.

I have hsv2, so I keep a little document in my computer for when I meet a new partner that I am discussing my status with.
I will cut and paste it here for you, use whatever works for you.
And also, check out this site in the forums,http://racoon.com/cgi-bin/dcforum/dcboard.cgi?az=list&forum=support&conf=Main lots of good advice on the discussion. NOT DISCLOSURE, a discussion. Disclosure feels more like a confession of sins, in my opinion. He may have it too, orally, but never had a blood test or culture.

"There is something I need to tell you. I really like you, but I need to be honest with you and you need to know this before this goes any further. I am telling you this because I trust and respect you, and I want to protect you, and I want you to trust me completely. I have herpes. I know you may be disappointed and in shock, but it really isn't as bad as it seems - the worst part is the social stigma that is attached to it. Most of what people say about herpes is blown way out of proportion and makes it super scary and social-life killing. It isn't - but it is difficult. However, it doesn't have to mess up anything that happens with us, I guess it just depends on whether or not you think it would be worth the risk, which (according to many sources) is minimal if we are careful.

"So where we go from here is up to you, your choice. I know a lot of information and am completely willing to answer any questions. There is a lot of good (and bad) information on the internet, some of which is extremely helpful. I think that maybe, if you haven't made up your mind already, you should do a bit of research because that might help you decide what is best for you.

"This can and does happen to anyone, and is way more common than people think. I also want you to remember that I am still me, the same person you viewed me as 10 min ago, but now you know that I have an annoying and inconvenient skin rash - which is basically all herpes amounts to for me."

Oh and I am not sure where I got the above quote from, anytime I see a good example of how to discuss herpes I copy it into my saved document for "dating with herpes". For all I know it came from a thread on vagina pagina!!

One more section from my document. Also not sure where I got it from, but I loved the way she put things, so I saved it for my own dating life.

"I have Herpes I and II and I always disclose before there's any physical intimacy. It was difficult at first but it's no big deal now. I kind of have a patter I say. Something like this: "So, before we have sexy times I need to tell you something about me that might influence your decision to have said sexy times. I have herpes. It's no big deal for me, but it can be a big deal for some people. Do you want some information?" Then if they say yes, I tell them about the extremely high levels of herpes in sexually active adults, and how it's actually pretty low transmission rates. Then I tell them that I'm on the antiviral suppression med which makes transmission risk even lower. (I LOVE THIS PART!!!*****Then I say this: "Herpes is really no big deal for me. I can still climb mountains and go kayaking, just like the commercials." *****)
This usually results in a good chuckle and things are easier to talk about. Basically I stress that it's VERY common, but still a risk that they need to consider. I mean seriously, it's pretty much like my vagina gets a cold every now and then. Everybody gets colds, right? It's just a minor inconvenience."
Every woman who writes these things is an angel in my book. I thank all the women who help others with herpes, from the bottom of my heart.

thanks so much for these little things...they are worded well and are a good outline of the basics i wanna get across to this guy. i was wondering, do you think the best way to talk about it is in person? i find myself wanting to call him right now or tell him via facebook chat....but for some reason i feel like in person would be better?

This is my take, my personal take, on using Facebook for something that is private. Private does not imply anything bad, because to me herpes is a virus just like a common cold, but down south! but something that I choose to share ONLY with those who need to know (ie my sexual partners), and no one else.

Facebook in my view is never secure. This is only the business of you and a potential sexual partner. Facebook's security changes all the time so I would not feel comfortable myself putting my business out there on chat. I would feel the same way with facebook chat talking about my periods, a yeast infection, anything very personal.

What I have done is either do it on the phone, if Im too nervous for in person conversation, or write it down on a letter that I ask to read to him, or refer to as I talk. At this point I have my usual script pretty much memorized. See it as practice for all sorts of tough conversations that as we grow older come up and that we have to face, not just herpes.

I also usually print out the herpes handbook http://www.westoverheights.com/genital_herpes/handbook.htmlto give if they want more info. And I send them to that website I told you about, the original hhp.

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lookin for some support/advice

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